February 7, 2011

Slogging

I ended up not going to AWP, mostly because I didn’t want to be stranded in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport for the duration.  It was 61 degrees below zero with wind chill here last Wednesday.

Okay, on one hand, I’d like to totally ignore the fact that I’ve slipped on this blog and my writing and just plunge merrily in as if nothing happened.  (I take my responsibilities in these areas seriously, so I feel bad that I haven’t been true to my word.)  However, maybe it helps someone if I talk about these things, even if it feels whiney and unbecoming and all too revealing.

So I get up and go about my day thinking, okay, today’s the day I’m going to pull out of this.  Then something happens ~ I get a bunch of assignments at work or the kids have another scheduled thingy or I think about all the stuff I’m supposed to do and all the emotional debts I have to pay and I just can’t face it.  It’s as if, rather than the usual bouncy and tough vulcanized rubber, my supporting structures are brittle cindered paper, ready to be crushed at the slightest puff of breeze.  I’m just having a hard time bouncing back.

I suppose it’s depression but I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why.  It’s like the character from the movie Grand Canyon says about being hysterical: “The lucky ones feel that way. The rest of the people ARE hysterical twenty four hours a day.”   And it feels really shameful to say this.

So what am I doing about it?  Baby steps.  I’m taking the behaviorist’s approach ~ changing my behavior in the hopes that it’ll change my mood.  I’m trying to be healthy by eating right and starting to run again. I’m doing this blog, I’m writing, I’m trying to engage.  I keep going on the hope that the act of smiling will help me to feel like smiling.

Sorry to be such a bummer, folks. Will think of an insightful and thought-provoking post tomorrow.

Questions of the Day:  What do you do to pull yourself out of this sucking maw?  Or maybe you just have the good graces not to talk about it. *sigh*

4 comments:

Pembroke Sinclair said...

Don't let talking about depression depress you. If this is what you have to do to get through it, then do it. If people don't want to read about it, they won't. You don't have to answer to anyone!

It's great to see you back online. I was missing you!

Tamara said...

Thank you, Pembroke! I miss you too. We need to do dinner soon!

Your kind words mean the world to me!

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Hey - January and February in Laramie are no picnic! Believe me, we remember! Treat for SADS, just in case, and get back to writing. Make that a priority, no matter what. That's the very best advice I can give!

Tamara said...

Thanks, Jeffe! I'm hoping getting some exercise will help the SADS. That and getting some *#^$#! writing done. :-)

I hope your writing is flowing the the Wyoming wind! Or should I say blizzards. hehe